I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
