When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
