Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize