grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
