Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
