Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
