i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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