I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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