I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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