Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
