Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
