beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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