When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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