they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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