im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
