Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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