I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
