Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
