My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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