mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
