I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
