Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
