I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
