I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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