you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
