im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
