someone owes me an orgasm
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
