Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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