Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
