I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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