I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
