so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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