Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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