I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
