Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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