i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
