I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
