how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
