I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
