"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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