Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
