I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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