I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
