His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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