I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
