why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
