You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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