My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
