her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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