Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
