i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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