with your own penis?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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