i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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