Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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