Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
