I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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